Battle Hymn of a Rabbit Mother

The other day Emma and I were driving to gymnastics, our new Saturday ritual. I decided to schedule this activity on Saturdays instead of a weekday so as not to have to haul two extra kids to the gymnastics place once a week. I love this arrangement. It allows for Emma and me to have some one-on-one time together (a hard thing to come by in our family of five), and I can sit and really focus on watching her gymnastics class/read a book/zone out rather than corralling two younger children for an hour.

We were stopped at a red light on the way to gymnastics when Emma asked me apropos of nothing, "Mommy, what's a tiger mother?"

I laughed and tried my best to explain what a tiger mother was without totally freaking her out. I told her I was born in the year of the rabbit and was therefore not a tiger mother.

For those of you who don't know about the book by Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, it's a memoir of sorts about one mother's experience with raising kids the "Chinese way." Here's an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal piece by Chua detailing what Chinese children are not allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

The gym where Emma takes gymnastics is like a three-ring circus. There's Emma's "level 2" class, which is learning how to do cartwheels, how to walk backwards on the balance beam. Meanwhile the girls on the gymnastics team are practicing their floor routines, flipping their bodies powerfully across the big blue square in the middle of the gym. Another class practices the vault, another the uneven bars. You can see the evolution of how a donkey kick leads to a handstand, which leads to a handspring, which leads to a standing front flip. It's rare to see such a vivid example of how hard work and practice (and a touch of talent) can pay off.

Watching the class, I'm reminded of what the Tiger Mother said in her article: "What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up."

In the car on the way to gymnastics Emma told me she doesn't want to continue to level 3 gymnastics. She thinks it's too hard and she's not "good" at it. She has said similar things about soccer and ballet and we didn't continue with those activities. Since Chua's article was fresh in my mind, I reacted more like a tiger and less like a rabbit. I told her that she was going to stick with gymnastics, that she hadn't given it enough time to be good at it. That things that are worth having sometimes take hard work and practice. "Things are always hardest at the beginning," I said, channeling Chua.

Chua has gotten lots of flack for her book and Wall Street Journal piece. I completely agree with her critics who find her parenting "strategies" borderline abusive. She calls her girls "garbage" and "lazy" if they disrespect her or do not get straight A-pluses in school. She threatens to give away her little girl's dollhouse piece by piece if she doesn't perfect her piano piece. She's extremely hardcore.

It's a shame, though, that these sensational details get most of the press when a lot of what Chua is saying about the "Western" parenting style is valid. We do quit too easily. We place so much stock in our children's self-esteem that we treat them like these privileged, fragile little deities. We worship their accomplishments to such a degree that they are growing up with nothing to shoot for, nothing to work for. If they aren't enjoying themselves, then we scurry to make things more entertaining, more palatable for them. I know not all "Western" parents are guilty of this, but a lot of us are, me most certainly included.

Is there a happy medium? Some sweet spot somewhere between calling your child garbage if she brings home an A- and praising the crap out of her all the time? I'm still working this out in my head. I'm starting by not letting Emma give up on gymnastics so quickly. I'm also starting to work with my kids on their math skills more at home. We've always focused on reading together because I am a reader and it's just something I enjoy doing with them. I have never placed much emphasis on math, though, and I'm trying to change this. I am not calling them lazy or garbage while we work on our addition and subtraction, rest assured. We are making it fun, and they are actually enjoying themselves, although that is not the point. The point is getting better at math. If it happens to be fun, then that's just a bonus. I am incrementally trying to raise the bar a little bit, to give my kids something higher to shoot for.

Try as I might to be a tiger mom, I will always be a rabbit. I am a softy, too sensitive for my own good. It's my nature to swaddle my kids with kind, encouraging words, protect them from anything uncomfortable or difficult. I want their lives to be easy and fun. But I now see that there is an unintentional consequence to this kind of mothering. If they are never forced to work for their achievements, how will they ever develop self-discipline, stamina or a work ethic? If life is presented to them as easy and fun-centered, how disappointed and ill-equipped will they be when they find out that life is not like this at all?

When I told Emma she was not quitting gymnastics so easily, she didn't question me. She almost seemed relieved to have this particular issue off the table. It must be exhausting being a "Western" kid sometimes--so much depends upon your happiness. It must be a relief to discover you're not the center of the universe, unless of course you discover it too late.

Out with the old, in with the new

After all of the December acquiring we did, we are now doing our ritual January purging. And by "we," I mean "I."

I am really schizophrenic when it comes to getting rid of things. I hold onto things that are really not worth holding onto. For a while, I save everything: every preschool art project, every card anyone ever sends me, every Chick-fil-a toy. Eventually I get completely fed up with the clutter, and then I am ruthless about getting rid of things. At this particular moment, I'm going through a purging phase. I've been going through old toys and tossing them in bags and posting the contents of those bags on freecycle. Someone from freecycle wants them and is supposed to come take them away tonight. Yay! I love that our beloved toys will have a life beyond our house. I hate the idea of them not getting played with. Maybe I've watched too much Toy Story.

We dismantled our guestroom bed that only gets used two times a year, figuring that real estate in our small house could be put to better use. We're keeping the mattress in the basement in case we ever have another guestroom in a future house, but we decided to get rid of the box spring and the lopsided metal frame it rested on. Incidentally, to make the metal frame un-lopsided, Brandon and I stuck a really cheesy paperback book underneath one of the legs to prop it up. Classy, I know. This book basically has a hole in it because it had been holding an entire bed up for many years. When it came time to toss the book in the recycling bin, I almost couldn't bear to do it because this was the book Brandon and I had read side-by-side on the plane to our honeymoon destination in Tangolunda Bay, Mexico. We read that whole book tandem-style, each one waiting patiently for the other one to finish so we could turn the page. It was a courtroom thriller. I can't remember much about the story other than that. It's in our recycling bin right now. That book has served us well, but it's time had come. See, I'm totally ruthless. But what am I going to do with a cheesy courtroom thriller with a hole in it now that it is no longer propping up a bed?

So, I need to somehow dispose of a box spring mattress. People on freecycle are giving away cheese that's past its sell-by date, so maybe someone will want my box spring and broken frame. Did I mention I have our living room furniture on craigslist? Brandon is a little concerned about that one. I guess I can't blame him. We have a lot of furniture crammed into our tiny living room. We tried moving two of the chairs into different rooms, but they won't fit through the narrow doors or up our tiny, treacherous staircase. Have I mentioned before how this house was built for exceptionally small people? Well, I'm no anthropologist, but the tiny doorways, low bathroom counters and shorty ceilings indicate that the people who lived here and raised six kids here were very short. I am always bumping my head on things and I am 5'5".

I mentioned freecycle earlier like everyone knows what it is. Have you tried this freecycle? As with most things, I'm a little late to the party on this one, but it's pretty amazing. You post things that you want to get rid of (for free) and then if someone wants your stuff, they email you and come and take it away. I like getting the freecycle emails. Here are the items being given away in my neighborhood freecycle group at this very moment:

• 3 old fashioned keys
• wooden box with salmon on it
• Pewter porringer (um, what?)
• Pentax film camera
• messenger bag
• Bra w/prothesis
• Gold snake choker
• Electric laminator
• Sewing machine with broken needle
• Standing Japanese shoji screen

I could go on, but you get the idea. I think this list is amazing. I may use it as a writing exercise at some point where you have to write a story using all these items. Put all these items on a farm in Canada and you have an Alice Munro story.

Well, speaking of writing, I have a rare block of time where a kid doesn't need something. Teddy is sleeping, Charlie is at a friend's house and Emma's at school. I am hoping to get a little fiction writing accomplished with this lovely hour or so. Feel free to steal my freecycle story starter idea if you're blocked and need a little writing exercise to free you up. If you have other great writing exercises, I'd love to hear them.

Also, I've been thinking about the books I've read this past year and trying to pick my favorite. So far, the front-runner is Room by Emma Donahue. Has anyone else read Room? I'd love to hear your favorite book of 2010. If you leave a comment you'll automatically be entered to win a free box spring mattress!

In search of the perfect toy

I don't know about you, but lately I've been reading a lot of Amazon toy reviews. I think these reviews are pretty helpful when it comes to choosing which toys you might want to purchase for your kids, but I also like reading them for entertainment. They say so much about human nature to me. One person's "ADORABLE FOR LITTLE HELPERS!!!!" five-star review is another person's "DISAPPOINTED" one-star review. Isn't this how it is with everything in life? There are always those people who will get excited to the point of bursting about a talking vacuum cleaner and then there are the people who say, "meh, I thought it would talk more. Why doesn't it say more things?"

And to the people who are surprised when a two-thousand piece play kitchen with laundry, ironing board, microwave and refrigerator is hard to put together, I want to say, really?

Every year I get suckered into believing the hype about a certain toy. All I have to read is, "my son played with this for hours," and into the virtual shopping cart it goes. Because really, let's be honest here, I'm not buying toys, I'm buying myself time.

So, I'm dying to know. Does anyone have any toy recommendations out there for a 7-year-old girl, a 5-year-old boy, and a 2-year-old boy? Preferably, the toy should take up no room, should not require batteries, be made in the U.S. out of sustainable materials and should keep them occupied for hours. That's not too much to ask, right?

I actually do know of a toy that fits this description. Would you like to read my review?

"GREEN TOY THAT WILL MAKE MOTHER EARTH BREATHE A BIG SIGH OF RELIEF!!!!" FIVE STARS

I wasn't sure how my son would react when he opened up the Charmin toilet paper tube I had been saving for him for Christmas. I'd seen him playing with a friend's toilet paper tube at playgroup, and noticed he was having a ball pretending it was a telescope, a microphone, and a even a periscope! Well, my worries were completely unfounded, because as soon as he opened up his gift, he squealed with glee! Now, I can make dinner, talk to my husband, even take a shower and all I have to do is make sure he has his toilet paper tube handy. He even sleeps with it snuggled up next to him at night. We are working on getting him another tube soon. He says he wants to make binoculars! This is a toy I can really feel good about giving--it's sustainable and made right here in the U.S. and not that awful China. If you're thinking of getting this for the child on your list, don't hesitate! You won't regret it!!!!

Happy shopping, everyone!

A funny thing happened on the way to the bus stop

Picture this: I'm walking to the bus stop with one kid in a stroller and two kids on scooters. Charlie, as usual, is completely oblivious and is barreling down the middle of the street on his Spiderman scooter, despite the fact that a car is right behind him. I'm yelling, "Charlie! Charlie!!!" like a crazy person while the crowd waiting at the bus stop stares at the lunatic running down the street screaming her head off.

At the bus stop, I give Charlie a stern talking to, you know the kind that is almost as much for the benefit of the other parents who are eavesdropping as it is for your child? Have you ever had one of those moments where you're scolding your kid in front of other parents and you can hear yourself sounding all weird and phony, like you're playing the part of a parent scolding a kid in a high school play? I actually asked Charlie to call me ma'am at some point during this little harangue at the bus stop, like we were filming an episode of the Andy Griffith Show all of the sudden.

So, Emma gets on the bus and we wave goodbye to her as though her battalion is shipping out for war. Do battalions ship out? Hmmm...will probably have to rethink that simile at some point. Anyway, we wave goodbye to Emma and then Teddy, Charlie and I turn around to scooter and stroller back home.

I'm talking to one of my neighbors while Charlie scooters a few yards ahead of me. "How was your trip to Illinois?" I ask. "Was it colder there than it is here?"

"Oh, Illinois is always about ten degrees colder than it is here," she says.

"I went to graduate school in Chicago," I say. "But I can't really remember how cold it was in relation to here."

"Oh, well, if you lived in Chicago, then you know how cold it is," she says. "You know, because of the--"

SPLAT!

I look up and Charlie has just body-slammed a parked BMW. I was too deep into my is-Illinois-colder-than-here discussion and missed the fact that Charlie was scootering and looking at the ground instead of ahead of him (as he is wont to do) and smacked right into a parked car. And the most ridiculous part is that he was going UPHILL.

Is it bad that my first reaction was to laugh? Then my second reaction was to inspect the BMW. Then I asked Charlie "Are you kidding me?"

You'll be glad to know that Charlie emerged from the incident unscathed and is happily punching holes in paper next to me as I write this (don't ask me why he's doing this). However, Charlie will not be riding a scooter or anything else to the bus stop for a long time. And he will never be allowed to drive a car. Ever.

Mammalingo and NaNoWriMo

I'm taking a break from bleaching my house free of vomit germs to tell you some exciting news! Have you heard of the hilarious blog mammalingo? You know the one that was featured in the New York Times recently? Well, if you haven't heard of it, you're in for a treat! Mammalingo is a website that attempts to "define motherhood one random thought at a time." Take a dash of online dictionary, a pinch of parenting blog and a big handful of funny and you've got mammalingo.

Here are a few of my favorite mammalingo definitions:

TIPSY CUP n. [Fr. sippy cup and tipsy]: Mommy’s reward at the end of a very, very long day with naughty Baby.
(Submitted by Gail from Minneapolis.)
Gail is a mother of three whose little kids have grown – and are certainly no longer using sippy cups. Her email reminded me – yet again – that children grow up in the blink of an eye. I’ll try to remember that the next time my younger son gets into a jar of Vaseline. (Does anyone have any great Vaseline removal tips? And, wouldn’t it be funny if the answer was white wine?)

or one of my favorites, "nestinct:"

NESTINCT n. [Fr. nesting +instinct]: Instinct a pregnant woman may have to “nest” in the months, weeks and days before her due date by preparing the home for the arrival of a new baby. Projects may include cleaning out one’s closets, painting the nursery, mopping the floors, re-grouting the shower tiles and beginning construction on a new home. There are researchers who say that nesting is triggered by a surge in oxytocin – a hormone that helps promote infant-mother bonding as well as the need to lick your finger and wipe the schmutz off someone’s face. Of course, not all mothers-to-be experience nestinct. Some women, instead of spending their final stretches of pregnancy readying their homes for baby, prefer to sit on the couch, eat fried chicken and watch marathons of “Law & Order.”

Hahaha. Love that one! So, I attempted to add to the mammalingo lexicon and Melissa Sher, author and creator of mammalingo, posted my humble offering today. I won't ruin the surprise, you'll have to click on over to read for yourself. If you've got an idea for a word that should be part of mammalingo, feel free to email it to Melissa. Her info is on her blog.

In other news, I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month again this year. We're only three days in, but so far I'm keeping up with my daily word count goal of 1,667 words. This year feels a lot easier because I'm starting a new novel. Last year I was already about 100 pages into a novel and my goal was to write the last 200 pages for NaNoWriMo, a strict violation of the NaNoWriMo rules, which stipulate that you should not try to finish an already-started project in one month. Their reasoning is that once you've already started something, you'll take everything way too seriously and be too rigid with things. The point of NaNoWriMo is to cut loose and write crazy stuff really quickly. I did have a really hard time writing the 50,000 words last year, but I did finish that novel and now it's being read by a few potential agents. So, suck it, NaNoWriMo, rule makers!

But this year I am following the rules and letting myself write with abandon. The Swiss Miss is flowing and things are going well. Hopefully, I'll be feeling this good come day 20. Probably not. Especially not if this stomach bug keeps causing me to spend all my free time disinfecting things.

Well, Teddy is screaming his head off. He who was last to vomit gets top priority in this house, so I'm off to my nurse/orderly duties.

I just want to say one last thing before I go. If you've ever thought you had a story to tell or dreamed of writing a novel, then go for it. NaNoWriMo is a completely no-risk way to achieve your writing goals. Challenging myself in this way has completely changed my writing life and is helping me get my work done even in the midst of kids being sick, soccer practice, and making dinner. I'll go ahead and toss in one of my favorite Anne Lamott quotes here: “I used to not be able to work if there were dishes in the sink. Then I had a child and now I can work if there is a corpse in the sink."

Teddy has miraculously stopped crying. Maybe I have a few extra minutes to write after all.

Hints from Heloise, a parody

Have you ever read the "Hints from Heloise" column in the newspaper and thought to yourself, that is the most obvious thing I've ever heard in my entire life? Maybe it's just me.

Dear Heloise,

I thought your readers might be interested to know that sometimes after we've eaten some beans that come in a can, I wash the can out and then use it for other things like pencils or even pens. Be sure to take lid off and dispose of it first. That is important.


Dear Heloise,
When my family of four can't finish the dinner I've made for them, I wrap it up in some Saran Wrap and put it in the refrigerator. The refrigerator keeps it cold and the Saran Wrap keeps the food from drying out and tasting like the other food in the refrigerator. Then we eat it the next day at another meal time. We have a silly name for meals like this at our house: "leftovers."


Dear Heloise,
In case your readers are wondering what to do with yesterday's newspaper, I have a great tip! I like to take a newspaper that has already been read and crumple it up into a little ball. Once you set a match to it, this ball of newspaper becomes very flammable. It is a great way to start a fire! Fire is good for heating your skin or your home on a cold night. And it provides light! (Light helps you to see things in the dark.)

Dear Heloise,
I have a helpful hint for readers who are always finding they are without something important when they are out and about. I realized I was always needing glasses to read a menu in a dimly lit restaurant, but I would often forget them at home. When it came time to pay the bill, I was completely useless without the wallet I use for my dollar bills, coins and credit cards. Then there was the set of keys I needed to get into my house, my car and office. Well, I have forgotten these things for the last time and here's how: I now care a small leather bag with me everywhere I go. It is just the right size for carrying my glasses, my wallet, keys and maybe a few other essentials with me when I go out. It even has a thin leather strap so that I can hook it on my shoulder and be hands-free! No more getting locked out of my house or stranded in parking lots for me!

Dear Heloise,
A few months ago you printed a recipe for boiled water. Can you please share that with us again?

Mary Smith
Columbus, OH

Dear Mary,
Here is the recipe for boiled water you requested. This classic may be one of our most requested recipes!

Fill a metal pot with water. Water from the tap is best. Do not use toilet water.
Put the pot on the stove and turn the stove to HIGH.
Walk away and do something else. A watched pot never boils.
When you see bubbles and steam, you'll know your water is boiling.

Boiling water can be used for making Easter eggs, cleaning metal blinds, sterilizing baby bottles, making tea...the list is endless!

Haha...happy Friday!

Love,
Elizabeth

Curious George, shin guards, and rainbows

The soundtrack from the movie version of Curious George is pumping in the boys' room right now. Charlie is in love with this CD and with Curious George in general these days. I never knew Jack Johnson could be so very LOUD. These mellow numbers are not meant to be heard at volumes that hurt your brain. Ahhhhhg....Jack Johnson, stop freaking screaming at me about friendship and recycling!

Life is moving at a breakneck speed lately. We are now a two-soccer-game-per-weekend family. How in the world did that happen. It's nuts. Charlie is a hilarious soccer player. He claims to be playing defense, but really what he does is stay about ten feet from the ball at all times and kind of hustle around while cheering for other people to kick the ball. I couldn't make the most recent game, but Brandon said Charlie totally ran out of gas about halfway through. At one point during the game he actually leaned on the coach and started moaning. If only someone had thought to play some Curious George, then he would've gotten pumped!

Speaking of soccer...what's up with the oranges? I had no idea this was such a thing.

This past Saturday, we had two soccer games and two birthday parties, one of which we were hosting. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is really my life, and not a commercial for a minivan.

So without further ado....

Rainbow birthday party pictures!

First we painted watercolor rainbows. Mellow songs from my rainbow mix CD played quietly in the background. This was a nice, calm way to start the party. Ahhhh...don't you just love little girls and how they will serenely paint rainbows on command?

We had a lego table for the boys just in case they didn't want to paint watercolor rainbows. And they didn't.

Decorations: We TPed our own tree in rainbow colors. Awesome! We also had balloons in rainbow colors. Joy!

We had a "rainbow walk." This was sort of like a cake walk. Kids walked in a circle to music. Whoever was on a special rainbow square when the music stopped could pick a few silly bands from a basket. DJ Teddy made this a little bit challenging, but still fun. The silly bands were a hit!

Rainbow silly bands!!

Rainbow scavenger hunt: We pretended like a leprechaun had left clues to finding the pot of gold he hid in our yard. Each clue led the kids to find a color of the rainbow. The first clue was "What rolls on the ground and holds something that cries? In it you'll find a red surprise." Then we hid a red ball in our stroller, along with the clue for the next object: an orange pumpkin hidden in our swing. The clue for that one was, "what flies through the air, but doesn't have wings? In it you'll find a little orange thing." Leprechaun poets we are not, but we had fun with it. Once they found all the colors of the rainbow, the leprechaun left them a clue to find the pot of gold. Each child got their own little bag of chocolate coins. Hooray! This was a big hit!

Then we ate pizza and hung out in the backyard for a little bit. After that we went inside to decorate the cake using tons of candy every color of the rainbow! Woo!

Teddy calls this cake "happy cake." I agree. Didn't the kids do a great job decorating? I may never decorate another cake again. They LOVED decorating it and they saved me lots of work!

Our party favor was the aforementioned CD of rainbow songs, a rainbow lollipop and the gold coins that the leprechaun left in our yard. I also let the kids help themselves to our gumball machine at various times throughout the party. Just call me Willy Wonka!

We had lots of fun. It was a very simple party, but a lot of love went into it. Those are the best parties in my opinion!