Friday, October 22, 2010

Hints from Heloise, a parody

Have you ever read the "Hints from Heloise" column in the newspaper and thought to yourself, that is the most obvious thing I've ever heard in my entire life? Maybe it's just me.

Dear Heloise,

I thought your readers might be interested to know that sometimes after we've eaten some beans that come in a can, I wash the can out and then use it for other things like pencils or even pens. Be sure to take lid off and dispose of it first. That is important.

Dear Heloise,
When my family of four can't finish the dinner I've made for them, I wrap it up in some Saran Wrap and put it in the refrigerator. The refrigerator keeps it cold and the Saran Wrap keeps the food from drying out and tasting like the other food in the refrigerator. Then we eat it the next day at another meal time. We have a silly name for meals like this at our house: "leftovers."

Dear Heloise,
In case your readers are wondering what to do with yesterday's newspaper, I have a great tip! I like to take a newspaper that has already been read and crumple it up into a little ball. Once you set a match to it, this ball of newspaper becomes very flammable. It is a great way to start a fire! Fire is good for heating your skin or your home on a cold night. And it provides light! (Light helps you to see things in the dark.)

Dear Heloise,
I have a helpful hint for readers who are always finding they are without something important when they are out and about. I realized I was always needing glasses to read a menu in a dimly lit restaurant, but I would often forget them at home. When it came time to pay the bill, I was completely useless without the wallet I use for my dollar bills, coins and credit cards. Then there was the set of keys I needed to get into my house, my car and office. Well, I have forgotten these things for the last time and here's how: I now care a small leather bag with me everywhere I go. It is just the right size for carrying my glasses, my wallet, keys and maybe a few other essentials with me when I go out. It even has a thin leather strap so that I can hook it on my shoulder and be hands-free! No more getting locked out of my house or stranded in parking lots for me!

Dear Heloise,
A few months ago you printed a recipe for boiled water. Can you please share that with us again?

Mary Smith
Columbus, OH

Dear Mary,
Here is the recipe for boiled water you requested. This classic may be one of our most requested recipes!

Fill a metal pot with water. Water from the tap is best. Do not use toilet water.
Put the pot on the stove and turn the stove to HIGH.
Walk away and do something else. A watched pot never boils.
When you see bubbles and steam, you'll know your water is boiling.

Boiling water can be used for making Easter eggs, cleaning metal blinds, sterilizing baby bottles, making tea...the list is endless!

Haha...happy Friday!



Pamela Ehrenberg said...

Thanks for ending my day with such a big laugh!

Anonymous said...

So many great ideas! Thanks for posting this!

Lesley said...

Hi Elizabeth, I don't think we have ever met, but I am a friend of Brady and Bradley's from youth group days. Sarah shared a post of yours a while back on facebook, and I loved reading your writing, and I have followed your blog ever since. I decided to comment because I thought this post was particularly hilarious. Anyway, just thought I'd say "hi" and stop being such a blog stalker. Lesley

Elizabeth said...

Hi Lesley,

I'm so glad you said "hi!" Thank you for reading my blog. I am so appreciative when anyone reads this and I love to hear feedback. This post proves that I am really an 85 year-old woman at heart. I'm glad you liked it!